Zombie guide
by doctorwho733
Summary: This short zombie guide will help you survive the Zombie Apocalypse or ...might kill you so read on if you dare.This is my first fanfic so be kind also there is swearing in this also don't want to sound like a noob but I suck at summaries R&R


Zombie guide

The most important rules ever if you want to survive the zombie take down

rule 1 :be prepared I don't give a dam if you don't think there real because the wise man will be prepared for everything and if they do became reality then who is the guy having his brain eaten hmmm maybe the idiot who doubted me

rule 2:don't be afraid of zombies:zombies have lost there sense of fear so really its not going to help much if your scared of them because they cant be scared of you and if you freeze up near a zombie the zombie is going to nom nom nom on your yummy brain

rule 3:use your head to cut of theirs: really if you just be the dumb ass-hole you have no chance out there. better off just shooting yourself in the head to save yourself from the pain of being eaten. The main advantage for us really is our brain yes zombies eat them but we use them to solve puzzles and other stuff so at least try to keep your brain ok?

rule 4:always keep some melee weapons because what if your walking down the street and you ran out of ammo and guess what your surrounded by zombies what are you going to do use your magical powers to kill them all? (don't use a katanna why because they need training in order to use them and there fucking giant so no katannas)

rule 5:you need tight clothes and short hair main reason your hair could get jammed in the door and bye bye human world hello zombie world also if you have long hair it could block your eyesight a lot so short hair ok? plus with the tight clothes you don't need anything else really

rule 6:use the stairs to get up then destroy the stairs i don't give a fuck what the movie's say there brain functions are limited to hunting eating killing and the other senses so they cant climb

rule 7:get out of a car and onto a bike(if in a city or hugely populated town) why because most likely there will be abandoned cars in the streets blocking your way and a car wont even get through that shit cars are only good for long distances like going to another city or to the country in a local area HELL NO besides cars make noise that attract zombies and bikes make very little ok?

rule 8: keep moving,keep low and stay alert really self explaining

rule 9:no place is safe only safer in the zombie take down no where is really safe and if your town,city,state or country has been taken over by zombies the best place to go is the countryside like near farms or maybe even space if possible(you will need a LOT of supplies)

rule 10:zombies may be gone but the threat lives on if the zombies around the world are gone don't party be alert I mean in the movie 28 days later zombies are gone but those two kids are still infected but there immune except they just carry it so if someone has even a bite just kill them kill everyone on this planet if they even a tiny bit of infection left and burn everything that touched a zombie also kill everything that has rabies or mad cow disease or just don't eat that cow because those two virus's could start the whole zombie takedown all over again

Zombie Attribute and Physical Capabilities.

really this part of the guide tells you what zombies are capable of because if you don't know these then your screwed and I'm going to blow your brains out in the movie's they say some zombies have special powers like they can fly or have super strength yada yada well they don't really they are just like humans excpet for the fact they are dead well duh also however fast a zombie could walk when they were humans shows how fast they can walk when there a zombie so really a zombie cant gain more power than when he or she was a human and because there dead they don't really have any motor skills any more like climbing jumping so always go up as high as you can in a zombie invasion a zombie sight is just as good as a humans and they see as far as we can but for some reason have great night vision so they don't really hunt during the day but they still do try to stay away from dark places as much as possible also the one way they can tell the difference between humans and zombies is through your body movements like humans are so full of like and we are fast and joyful while zombies are stiff kinda creatures not like a robot but still stiff and because they don't use there sight as much as we do there other senses have developed like a blind man having better hearing then normal people it has been said that they can smell alive flesh for then a mile away so try to stay away more than a mile if possible the main advantage they have over us is that they cant feel pain so if you try to hack it in the stomach then thats not going to be any good or amputating the other limbs because they wont need anything in this world but there brain the survive so if you come across a zombie don't hurt it KILL it and thats just shit for us because if we get hurt or stabbed we will cry like shit and cry out in pain and then your screwed so one for zombies zero for humans zombies are only hungry and all they want is to eat your flesh they don't care about sleep,thirst they don't get hot so all they want is your brain of flesh so if the day comes move around as much as possible during the day and stay put during the night a safe spot then go

how to kill a zombie

now we have come to the most important part of this guide so here it is

basically destroying a zombie sounds simple guess what its not it is really hard because the only way to kill a zombie is to blow his brains out and zombies don't require what we do so they don't need anything but there brain a common mistake people make is that you need to set a zombie on fire not really because they fire wont hurt them it will kill them in a set amount of time and since they travel in hoards they will run into other zombies and set them on fire its one things to have a zombie army coming for you but its another to a flaming army of zombies coming towards you so as I mentioned before all they need is there brain so do whatever you can to destroy that brain shoot hack it slice it or hell even bomb his head but you must be careful when using a melee weapon on a zombie because there blood will squirt out and it will infect you so as one of the rules say wear tight clothing no armour just long sleeved shirts and long paints also try to wear a mask if possible or even better a gas paint-ball mask and really being infected defeats the purpose of killing a zombie so once you pawned that sucker by destroying its brain burn the whole zombie to avoid being infected because a virus can survive only for 48 hours after losing its host so don't let another person get infected plus viruses cant stand blazing temperatures and don't touch that zombie with your skin because then your a zombie and I will kill you and also here are a few stuff that I would carry(weapons) I would carry a pistol,a shotgun,a machine gun a few melee weapons like a machete or a baseball bat(metal) or even a knife also carry these tools a crowbar a hammer and a bolt-cutter also you must always carry supplies well duh!

Top 10 Things NOT To Do In A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

A lot of people will do the wrong thing so here is a list of the top ten things not to do

1:Do not follow a crowd really just don't go to the first place you think of because chances are other people will think of this too like gun shops,NO HOSPITALS,a market,a mall,a school really where ever there are more than four to seven people

2:no chainsaws,katannas or flame-throwers why because i already said earlier in the guide why no katannas so look there chainsaws are heavy and need fuel why no flame-throwers because fire and zombies are not a good thing for you because since they cant feel pain they wont even care about the pain until they burn to death so how ever long it takes for them to burn they will come for you like a horny fan girl chasing a hot as superstar

3:don't hesitate to attack,they wont if you think that you can talk your way out a zombie attack then go f yourself a lot of you think that zombies can feel emotions or talk well they cant if you became a zombie and you had feelings would kill anyone or tell them your not evil?.A zombie will kill you whenever they have the chance just like bunnies(I think?)

4:armour does not make you zombie proof: if you have a suit of armour or something because armour is heavy and if you fall over zombies fill go on top of you and they will get through that armour somehow and then your going to be a zombie with armour making it hard for other people to kill you and save humanity so its a lose for everyone

5:Melee weapons may not need reloading but only using them means your just a giant turd in a toilet waiting to be flushed because eventually you will need guns and melee weapons to survive this shit

6:don't rely on vehicles get some running shoes cars are fucking awesome when heading into the country but useless in a city you will need the shoes man trust me

7:don't be alone but don't go with too many like just go with a crowd of 4 to 6 why well everyone would know the more people the more danger your in also if you get a group make sure they all have special talents that they have like one person is amazing with building stuff or some else is a doctor or maybe even a hunter also you will go insane by your self with everyone dyeing around you

8:SHUT THE FUCK UP: I know that sounds like shit but if you talk like little school girls all the time you will attract zombies and you will die simple really

9:don't be scared but don't be a idiot and underestimate them you need to get rid of your fear but if you think that just because there slow and dumb that you will win i mean if you don't know that they cant feel pain you will die I'm so sorry but you will die and i mean in a movie we all want the ass hole to die first

10:THEY HAVE NO RIGHTS if you think that just because they where humans they have rights then go into a hole and die Once someone is a zombie just kill them I would kill my parents if they turned into zombies they would want me to kill them so don't either be a wimp or kill the monsters what will you pick(the wimps will die in a horrible fashion)

thanks for reading this guide I hope to see you in the future when we are running for our lives from zombies but if your a zombie I will kill you no questions asked


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